Suzy’s Scribbles

A gentle tugging on my T-shirt interrupts my computer game play.

“Good Lady.” Molly, my goblin housekeeper, looks up at me with her large, beautiful brown eyes. “Good Lady, would you mind terribly, if we had a few dear friends to visit this weekend? We’ve been wandering homeless for many years and now that we have a place with you, we’d like to catch up on what’s happening with a few of our dear ones.”

I glance back at the laptop screen to see my monk going down fast to a mob of demons. “Sure, Molly, no problem. If they need to spend the night, it’s Okay.” Turning back to the screen. I hit the key for a seven-sided strike and take out all the evil ones in a burst of body parts. Gathering the loot that dropped, I wonder, in passing, what I’ve agreed to with Molly. Will they try to sacrifice Lester, the orphan goblin child, again? Where is Lester? I must keep a better watch on him. He’s usually in some kind of trouble. I exit the game and hobble down the hallway to the kitchen. Arthritis.

“Molly?” No one’s in the food prep or the consuming areas. That’s odd. They’re not here and, I’m starting to talk like them. Maybe she’s in the laundry room? The house gleams with cleanliness. This team of goblins does excellent work keeping this place polished inside and out. Glad I let them stay when I discovered them in my closet. Nope, not doing the wash. Maybe Lex, my gargoyle, knows what’s happening.

“Lex?” He’s normally lounging outside by the front walk. “Where’s Gramps?” Gramps, the patriarch of the goblin clan that keeps up my abode, helps Lex maintain our safety. In reality, Gramps keeps Lex company. He’s highly entertaining and now he’s missing too. That’s very odd.

Lex and I tend to communicate through telepathy.

I don’t know. Lex’s voice sounds in my mind. He was here talking shoes and then he just took off. I saw Sweet Pea pull out of the garage a couple minutes later and take off down the street. Does Sweat Pea know how disturbing it is for a car to just go driving around without anyone in him? You should never have spelled him to drive himself. A purple ’99 Saturn SE1 with no one behind the wheel can be quite a surprise to oncoming drivers. He’s going to cause an accident.

Thinking in his direction, I reply, while shifting my weight from one foot to the other in anxiety. I know. I know. Bad enough he won’t let me drive when I’m in him! But to go off by himself? This is a first! I should have gotten a new car. Oh yeah, I didn’t have the money. Whatever is he up to and why didn’t I think of sending him up to town to pick up take out? I’m missing something here. 

Yes you are. I can hear him huffing in my mind.

You wouldn’t want to take off and fly around looking for him, would you? Somehow I’m thinking the missing goblins are with him.

He sighs in my mind. Sure. He takes off in the direction of town. I watch him go.

Settling into a chair on the front stoop, I wait for either the return of anyone or everyone. The warmth of the sun sinks into my bones and I feel drowsy. Slipping gracefully into nap time, I dream of days past playing in this yard with my three wonderful daughters. Tears slip down my cheeks at the remembered sound of their laughter. My heart misses them so much.

I wake to the tinkle of little bells coming from the street. Brushing the tears away and blowing my nose on my sleeve, I spy a small Gypsy wagon pulled by a brace of bunnies hopping my way.

“Excuse me, madam.” A charcoal grey goblin in the drivers seat greets me. “Is this the home of the magnificent, generous one known as The Good Lady Mariah Walters? We are seeking our fellow goblins, the family Schuh headed by Joachim also known as,“ he hesitates, “Gramps?”

“You’ve found us.” Flattery gets me every time. “I guess you can park around back.” The intricate detail of the symbolic decoration painted on the vehicle is lovely. I hope Lex finds my goblin family and they get back here soon. Like now! Six other wagons are making their way towards me. I point towards the back yard. They nod and turn in that direction. Watching them go, I’m thinking either Molly had already asked everyone before she broached the topic with me or goblins have remarkably fast communication and transportation systems. A low rumble causes me to turn back to the street and, oh my, here come some more. How big is this family? She said a few. How many is a few? I must Google this. At least, twenty wagons roll past me. I run for the back yard.

Tents are rising in rings around a central fire place. Where did that come from? Laughter floats to my ears. The wagons form the outermost ring and the animals are eating everything in sight. There go my gardens. My eyes go wide in sick horror. What have I done this time?

My neighbors are approaching me and I don’t know what to say to them. Who’s in charge of this? Where’s Gramps?

“Wow, you’re hosting a goblin jamboree?” It’s the warlocks from across the street. “Way to go Mariah! There hasn’t been one in decades. They must feel safe with you. We’re coming too. Can’t miss this! Dancing, drinking, spell casting contests…”

I place my face into my waiting palms and shake my head. “Molly just said a few dear ones.”

The sounds of gargoyle wings comes to me but different than Lex’s. Looking up, three stone beasts appear above us and land beside me. Wow a goblin jamboree! Sounds in what’s left of my mind. Lex didn’t tell us. Wonder if we can use their bonfire for some good fun dropping them into it. Singed goblin yum! One hiccups and a little puff of smoke escapes his nose. Who’s bringing the cider barrels? 

Lex! Help! Your friends are here. They’re making plans for the goblin bonfire. This is not going to end well. I send this thought out into the world hoping he’ll hear it.

Not to worry it’s just a couple of goblins. We’ll have fun.

What?!? A couple! Try a real crowd! No dropping goblins or anyone else into any fires! My mind squeaks and I marvel that it’s possible to squeak in a mind.

Another herd of wagons pulls into the yard. I realize we’ve gone over a hundred of them and how many passengers does each carry? I am deeply regretting my saying they could spend the night. Why do I have the feeling the goblins are planning to stay here longer, as in indefinitely? I’ve lost control. Wait come to think of it, I haven’t had control for quite a long time. I think I’ll go lie down. Turning to the house, I make my way slowly down the hallway to my bedroom and collapse on my bed. Staring at the ceiling, I run over in my mind the conversation with Molly. A few. She said a few and then just disappeared. Who’s going to clean up the mess after they go? Visions of a landfill in place of my backyard float before my eyes. I just keep shaking my head and muttering, “A few, she said a few.”

“Good Lady?” I must have passed out. I hear Molly’s voice and the rustle of shopping bags. “Good Lady?” The voice is closer. I refuse to open my eyes. Maybe if they stay shut the mess in the back yard will go away. Please?

“Good Lady!” She shakes me harder. “It’s okay, Good Lady. Come, the goblin people want to honor you for rescuing their King and keeping him safe. We are grateful that he is under your protection until he comes of age.”

I open my eyes. “King?”

“Yes, Lester is King of the Goblins. We didn’t know who he was when Lester found us.” Her eyes are bigger than ever. ”We thought he was just another lost orphan. Now all the goblins are excited and happy to know he’s alive and well. Come now. They want to honor you for the whole week they’re here. They’re so grateful to you.”

Lester the Kingling bounds into the room and gives me a huge hug. “Partee, partee, partee. Come on, let’s go partee.”

Carrying Lester, I walk to the sliding glass doors in the bedroom, open them and step through to see the mass of wagons, tents and goblins has doubled over the afternoon. One shiny purple ’99 Saturn SE1 is in the center with Gramps, Bert, Sid and Cheri, my goblin family, hopping up and down on the top. His lights are flashing and his horn is playing Roll Out the Barrel. A great roar goes up from the crowd. I look at Lester and give him a huge hug, “Let’s go partee.”

Lex lands beside me. You, gargoyle, no throwing living, or dead, beings into any bonfires.

I’m somehow missing something, somewhere in all of this. How am I going to feed everybody? King of the Goblins? Oh my.

A Magic Hour Family Christmas is available through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. It contains stories and recipes from the Magic Hour Writers Group that specializes in stories for children and families. I have included a rewrite of a post here I think you will enjoy.

I apologize for not posting to my blog in several months. I’ve been focused on a real life problem and I doubt Mrs. Walters’ spell weaving can help this. With her track record, do I want her to try?

Yes, the insurance company did bribe me to have a wellness visit with a $75 gift card to the retailer of my choice. Who could resist? Well not me! All those books and things at Amazon? Oh yeah!

Since the visit was free – my favorite kind – I set myself up with an appointment and off I went to visit my new favorite family doc. My old favorite doc had retired without consulting me and I may hold this against her for another 5 minutes.

New doc had to ask the obvious question, “When was the last time you had a colonoscopy or mammogram?”

Well you can read “Mrs. Walters and the Colonoscopy” and know everything came out okay with that.

My response to the question of the boob squeezing session was “I don’t remember but it’s been several years and I won’t go back because they dropped the machine on me.”

“Really? How?” He looked puzzled.

“The machine had two separate sections – a top and a bottom. They set me up with my breast on the bottom part. Then the two technicians turned away and let go of the upper part. It landed right on my boob! I screamed and they looked at me with ‘what’s your problem’ looks. I was bruised for weeks.”

“That sounds really painful. They’ve redesigned the machine so that can’t happen now. You’ll be okay and you should get one.”

“Really should? Or ‘you are going to do this’. You have to tell me because I’ll waffle out unless ordered.”

“Oh your generation!” He laughed.

I deserved that.

“You are going to get a mammogram. I just sent the order. Call here to set it up.”

Well that left the door open for some solid procrastination. No one delays like me! So I did. The mammogram could wait until after the assault on my bottom end.

***

Colonoscopy down. Everything’s good. I am on a roll. Mammogram next with the same results and I could laugh my butt off all the way to my computer and Amazon’s site. Woot!

Not so fast.

So I get there and they ask, “When was your last mammogram?”

“Years ago at another center. Way back in 2005 or so and they dropped the machine on me. I swore I would never go back. I was so bruised up it took weeks to heal.”

They forgot to tell me the centers had merged. The technician I was talking to was one of the ones who dropped the machine on me. How embarrassing! I found this out about a week later. So just let me stumble along making a fool of myself …

1. Open mouth

2. Change feet

“We’ll just take a couple of ‘shots’ today.” The technician promised.

“Don’t drop the machine on me.”

She sighed.

They have changed the machine! No chances of it dropping on me. How times have changed! Now they can just twist me into an ice cream cone shape while causing pain but no bruising.

I spent the whole time picturing them putting male genitals – possibly belonging to the person who came up with this idea? into the machine and seeing how he liked it. That was helpful.

“Thank you. We’ll let you know the results when they are ready.”

If there’s a problem, it’ll be the left side I thought as I climbed into my Prius replacement for Sweet Pea the purple Saturn who really exists and headed for home.

***

“Hello there! Am I talking to ‘insert mispronounced never used first name’? If I am please state your date of birth.”

“Horrible first name with which my mother saddled me, we need you to come in for some further tests. The doctor isn’t comfortable with what he’s seeing and would like more. Say tomorrow?”

This is not good.

***

“Don’t drop the machine on me.”

“Did I drop it the last time?”

“Don’t drop the machine on me.”

***

“Hello. The doctor would like to do biopsies on two sites on your right breast. We’ll leave little metal reflectors in place so we know we looked at those areas in the future. Say tomorrow?”

***

“Don’t drop the machine on me.”

“Did I drop it the last time?”

“Don’t drop the machine on me.”

“I have to check to see if the bits of metal are in place.”

***

“We’ll have the results for you tomorrow. May we call you around 3 PM?”

“Ah, I’m picking my sister up from the airport.”

“Great! We’ll contact you then.”

Oh crap how do I explain this? She’s coming for a week of relaxation and fun. Now she’s walking into bad news! This is terrible. I just wanted her to have a good time. Now this.

***

“Hi there we need you to come into the office tomorrow to discuss the results. Say 10 AM?”

“Suzy? What’s going on?”

“Well …”

***

“Here’s the good news. The left breast is fine.”

“Oh goody.” Where’s the other shoe?

The lovely, kind person reached for a diagram, “The first site we looked at is fine. A plugged milk duct that hemorrhaged.”

When did that happen? My twins are 38. Shoe?

“Now the other site is an invasive carcinoma.”

Here it is.

“You’ll need surgery and to talk to an oncologist. These are the two best in the area. I’ll make the appointments for you. What’s good for you?”

“Just drop the machine on me, please.”

***

To be continued…

Buzzt! Buzzt! I grab the vibrating smartphone from my desk. I’m supposed to be working on my book. I’m really playing computer games. Glancing at the caller’s name, I realize it’s my youngest daughter Lynn. She’s about to have my much wanted grandchild.

“Hey Sweetheart. What’s up?”

“The baby’s coming! I need you now.”

“Okay Honey, I’m on my way!”

“Hurry Mom, hurry!”

“Love you.” She hangs up. I knew it! I should have done my laundry yesterday. I’ll just throw it all in a garbage bag and roll.

Shutting the lid on the laptop, I hustle down the hall to the kitchen. Who can be left in charge while I’m gone? Lex, my gargoyle, with a tendency to burn things down? Bert the Goblin? He’d sell the place. Gramps, his dad? He’d sell the entire neighborhood. Molly, the Mother of Goblins? Molly will do. She’s doing a great job of keeping up the house with the help of her children Sid and Cheri.

Swinging around the corner, I arrive at the kitchen. “Molly. You’re in charge. Lynn is in labor and I have to leave right away for Michigan!”

She waves to Cheri, who runs for the basement door, reappearing moments later with my laundry clean and neatly folded. Sid bumps into me with my suitcase, which Cheri promptly fills and zips. I like these goblins.

“You best take the dog, Tootsie Too and Lester with you, good lady. Bert’s been mentioning recipes featuring dog and Gramps has been sharpening the sacrificial knife. He’s mumbling something about ensuring an easy delivery. The only thing stopping them is the thought of you.”

I turn to Lester, the goblin orphan, “Go get your stuff and meet me at the front door.”

I wrestle Toots into his harness and connect his leash. Lester hurries into view. All he has on is a pair of grey shorts. “You can’t go out in this weather like that! It’s fourteen degrees! Molly, doesn’t he have something warm to wear?”

“Not really, Mistress. Here are a few things that Sid has outgrown.” She hands them to Lester. “Put these on and be quick about it.” She shifts to look at me. “You be safe out there. Let us know how it all goes. May they come through in good health.” She’s pushing us toward the door. “Everything will be fine here while you’re gone. I’ll see to it.” Sid and Cheri have the door open and out we go.

“Well, okay then, I guess we’re off to Michigan.” Toots leads the way with Lester following us. Lex is on guard duty in the front garden with Bert and Gramps. I wonder if Molly has encouraged the gents to join the guardian gargoyle just to get them out of the house.

“Lex we’re off to Michigan. Lynn is having her baby. Molly is in charge and I expect you to back her up if these two start something, anything.” I point to Gramps and Bert. They look shocked that I would even think such a thing. “Toast their butts.” Lex nods solemnly and shoots a jet of flame at Bert. Gramps laughs. We hustle on our way.

Sweet Pea, my enchanted car, waits for us in the garage. That’s very odd. Usually, he’s running out in the driveway. I pop the trunk and load up the suitcase. I fasten Tootsie’s leash to the back seat belts and buckle Lester into the front passenger seat. I settle into the driver’s place. Making sure the doors are all closed, I touch the ignition and nothing happens.“Sweet Pea we have to roll. Lynn’s having her baby! I’ve got to be there for her. Now is not the time to get all crappy.” The car remains dead. “I don’t have the time for you to be all pouty. Everybody out! We’re taking Al’s SUV.” Sweet Pea’s engine turns over and he backs out of the garage. I should have sold him years ago when he broke down instead of casting that spell on him.

Tootsie Too huffs in my ear from where he stands on the console. I give his head a pat. We’re on our way.

The radio switches on playing the latest hits and I begin to sing along. Tootsie howls in time. We are rocking down the road, dancing and having a fine time.

Then I look over at Lester. He’s watching us with huge, deep brown eyes. The clothes he’s wearing are way too big and have holes in all the wrong places. He’s shivering. I crank up the heat. He cannot go to Michigan dressed like this. He’ll freeze solid before we get there. “Sweet Pea, we need to stop at the store to get Lester some clothes.”

We pull into the parking lot of a big box store. “Climb into my purse, Lester. Tootsie stay here and watch Sweet Pea. Don’t let him drive off without us.”

I grab a shopping cart and plunk my purse in the toddler seat. Leaning close to my bag I whisper, “Lester, I’ll hold the clothes close to you and you nod your head if you want them and shake ‘no’ if you don’t.” We need to hurry this up. Babies won’t wait for their grandmother to get there. I grab some things and wave them over the purse. Lester nods yes to everything.

Baby shoes fits his feet perfectly. I know because I have him stick a foot out and I try one on him.

A woman passing by sees his burgundy foot waving around in the air, “What is that? Where did you find it? My granddaughter would love something like that. They do the most remarkable things these days with robotics.”

“Aisle Ten.”

Finally, we’re back at the car and on the road.

Tootsie huffs at me and starts whining. What now? We are never going to get to Detroit Michigan. “Sweet Pea, I think he wants something. Find a place where he can get out and pee.” The car pulls into a fast food restaurant and taxis to the intercom for the drive up. The dog is hungry. Okay. I missed that. I order a ham sandwich and fries for me. Chicken bits for Toots. What do goblins eat? Is it all right to feed them meat? If I feed him, will he turn into a monster? If I don’t feed him, will he turn into a monster? “What would you like to eat Lester?”

“Burger with cheese, fries and a chocolate shake, please.” Where is he going to put all of this? He’s so tiny! Well maybe Toots can help him.

We return to rocking it down the road. The miles flash past on I-94 bringing us closer to Lynn and the baby. The sun is sinking behind us, a ball of red fire as we enter the state of Michigan. We will be there soon, honey. Mom is coming.

Passing the 159 exit, I see red lights flashing and Sweet Pea pulls over to the side of the road. I look at the speedometer. ”Were you speeding car? How could you be speeding? What were you thinking!” The car goes stone dead. I can see the cop, all ego, strutting towards me in the side view mirror. ”I’m sorry! I’m sorry! You are wonderful and beautiful and we have to get

to Detroit.” The car starts. The officer taps at my window. The crank handle turns, lowering the glass beside me. “Hi, Officer, how can I help you?”

“Ma’am, turn off the car.” Of course, Sweet Pea obeys him. “Do you have any idea why I pulled you over? I’m going to need you to show me your license and registration.”

“We weren’t speeding, were we?”

“No ma’am. You seem to be having quite the dance party in there with your hands off the steering wheel for the last five miles. Are you aware that it is illegal to drive with your knees?”

“I’m sorry, Officer.”

“License and registration.”

Lester reaches for the glove compartment to take out the registration. I think I renewed it last fall.

“Stop right there! Freeze! What’s that on the front seat?” He speaks into the microphone on his right shoulder while pointing at Lester, a pint sized goblin with remarkably large ears and a pointy snout much like a bat. “I need backup at the 162 mile marker.”

“It’s just a toy for my new grandchild. My daughter is in labor and I have to get to Detroit.” I try an innocent look on him.

“What?” He snarls, “How do I know you’re not smuggling illegal animals?”

“Seriously? Do I look like an illegal animal smuggler? Maybe I’m a just a spell weaver and the car died about a hundred thousand miles ago, so, I enchanted it to run on its own. So I don’t need hands on the steering wheel. Also there might be this reflection spell that causes harm to anyone who tries to hurt me. So back off or be sorry.”

“Get out of the car!” He talks into the mike again. “I think we’ve got some kind of delusional paranoia going on here.” he gestures at me with his hand to move faster.

I slowly unfold from Sweet Pea’s driver’s seat. My arthritis makes me stiff, especially in the cold. “Hands in the air! Hurry up!” The officer moves to place a hand on my arm.

“Don’t.” I warn him.

He does anyway and the spell kicks in. He shoots straight up. Back flips several times and lands in the median on his butt. At least there’s no traffic to witness this.

He pulls his gun.

I tell him, ”Do not point that at me.”

He does anyway. It smacks him in the face and he goes down – out cold.

A number of police cars arrive with all their lights going. The cops surround my car. “Where’s Officer Anderson?”

I point to the median. “He’s very strange. Seemed to think I was holding a dance party in my car. Told me I was driving without my hands on the wheel for five miles. Anyway, he ran to the median, pulled out his gun and smacked himself in the head with it. Is he a bit overworked? Maybe he should get some rest.” I indicate my car. “Is it all right if, I just go on my way? My daughter is having a baby and I have to get there.”

“Yes ma’am. Sorry about this.”

They start to get him up on his feet. He waves his hands and gesticulates in my direction, yelling something about a witch. I shrug and give them a “see what I mean” look. Actually, I prefer “spell weaver.” Witch brings up images of pointy hats and warts.

I climb into the driver’s seat of Sweet Pea and we pull out onto the road. We are traveling right at the speed limit and the radio is playing funeral dirges.

Finally! We turn the corner on Lynn’s street and park in front of the house. I free myself from Sweet Pea and make my way up the walk. I pull open the front door and then step into her home.

“Oh hi, Mom! Wow you got here fast. You didn’t speed, did you? Have to watch out for this one crazy cop on I-94 around the 159 exit.” Lynn greets me coming from the kitchen.

“You’re all right?”

“Yeah. It was just false labor. Doc says I have at least another week to go. Who’s that?” She is smiling down at Lester holding out a hot cup of tea to me. “He’s adorable!”

“Mrs. Walters? Mrs. Mariah Walters?” It’s one of those computer generated voices on the phone.

“Yeeeeees?”

“I need to verify that I’m talking to the correct person. Please state your birthdate after the beep.” Oh foo it’s the Medicare Advantage people. Turn 65, sign up for Medicare and get a new mom. Ever since they figured out it’s cheaper to prevent disease, I get calls at least once a month. Refill this. Get that checked. It never ends and – it’s a good thing. I feel loved.

“Beeeep!”

“February 29th” and I give the year.

“Click” and a real voice comes on the line.

“Good. We here at your health insurance company have noticed that you have never been tested for colon cancer. We would like to remind you that your father and his brothers had colon cancer. You are high risk.” It’s like big brother. They know everything about you.

“Oh fat chance that I’m going to let anyone near my hind end – cancer or no.”

“We will pay all expenses for the test and give you a gift card for $75 to the retailer of your choice. May we schedule you for an appointment now?”

“Okay.” I stare at the phone after hanging up. What have I done? I am not good with doctors and medical tests. Possibly due to when I was a kid and had mono. I hated the six months of weekly finger stick blood tests. Hey, I’ve been known to escape part way through the process. Sometimes on the way to the appointment. I seem to reach a tolerance limit and then a flight instinct kicks in and away I go.

“Mother?” It’s Faith my oldest daughter on the phone. She has this uncanny way of calling me right when I need her. “What have you done?”

“I’m not sure sweetheart. I think I just made an appointment to see a doctor about a colonoscopy.”

“Oh good God, Mother. When?” See she knows me way too well.

“This afternoon at three.” When they say now they mean – now.

I’m feeling very distant from things. Like I’m fading into the wall where no one will find me, especially the doctor police.

“I’ll meet you there. Don’t be late. We’ll do dinner afterwards and you can choose the restaurant.” Click. I think Faith has accepted she must now fill Al’s shoes in ensuring my attendance at these things.

Al, my late husband, used to take me to the doctor’s offices and tests at the hospital. He knew I’d reach my limit and would block the door to stop me from fleeing sometimes still wearing one of those weird blouse things they call a gown. I did get by him once. He kept yelling, “Did they say you were finished?” Then he got smart. “The car keys are in your purse back in the changing area.” A quick “u” turn and I was headed back past him when I realized he was holding my handbag. At that moment, a nurse scooped me up in a wheelchair and hustled me into the test area for the finish. Dang! Of course the results were fine. Nothing bad showed up except maybe a hiatal hernia in my stomach and some blastomas (benign) in my lungs on another occasion. Nothing to get worried over.

***

“Mrs. Walters?” The nurse at the reception desk looks up at me with an innocent smile. She’s got the instruments of torture ready in a back room. I know it.

“Yes?”

“The doctor will be right with you.”

I turn and head for the doorway to the hall and it’s blocked by Faith. She points to a chair. “Sit.” She hands me her Kindle open to a game of Spider Solitaire half finished. She knows I have to complete it.

“The doctor will see you now.” I freeze. Make like a statue. Maybe…

“Mom” Faith tugs on my arm, “Go. I’ll be right here. It’ll be fine.”

The doctor goes over the preparation directions. “Now then you can only eat items listed on this sheet the morning before the test,” I notice vanilla wafer cookies. This can’t be that bad can it, if I get to eat cookies? “And nothing after noon except water and cola drinks. At six you have to drink some medicine and follow the directions on the package. We’ll see you Monday early in the morning. You need to have someone drive you. Enjoy your afternoon.”

Faith and I head out to the most expensive dinner place I can afford.

“You need to drive me next Monday, Doctor says.” I take a bite of my triple cheese burger.

“Mom,” Faith mumbles around her chicken finger. “Aren’t you going to Lynn’s for the weekend? Some thing about walking around the Detroit Zoo Sunday morning?”

Lynn is my youngest daughter and mother of my grandsons. “I’ll have to come back on Sunday afternoon then.”

“Have fun with Lynn and the kids. I’ll be by to stay the night and run you to the testing center the next morning.”

Vanilla wafers. I must keep the thought of vanilla wafers in my mind. Faith runs me by the drug store to pick up the package of medicine.

“This stuff tastes awful. Put it in the refrigerator. The colder it is the better. I tell you when I had to take this stuff, I just wanted to barf.” Ginny behind the counter tells me all of this in confidence. “Between you and me, this is the worst part of the whole thing. You tell Lynn hi for me and congrats on the new babe. Hey Faith. Good to see you. Lunch next Tuesday?”

“Sure.” Faith drags me from the store and into the car. We drive home past newly planted fields. Tootsie Too, my mini dachshund, greets me at the door. He obviously appreciates the ordeal I have just gone through. Maybe he senses the torture to come? Lex my guardian gargoyle snorts a small burst of smoke.

“See you Sunday.” Faith waves as she leaves. “You’ll survive.”

Molly, my housekeeping goblin mother takes the medication from my hand and puts it in the frig. “It’s for the best good lady.” She shudders and writes extra butt wipes on her shopping list. I found her and her family in a closet back at Christmas. Best present ever.

I make my way to the bedroom where I pack for the trip north tomorrow. Curling up on the bed I begin a Buffy marathon to get to morning. She is so evil to Spike. Okay he’s sleazy.

***

Toots and I are off to Detroit today. I load Sweet Pea up with luggage and gifts. The dachsie hops in the back and I buckle him up. Swinging into the driver’s seat, I press the ignition and Sweet Pea starts up. Lex and all the goblins are waving us off in the front yard.

I’m falling asleep before we clear the neighborhood. Having a self driving car is wonderful. Luckily, I figured out how to look awake in High School Chemistry which may be why I remember so little of it today.

***

“Mom. Mom?” It’s Lynn shaking me awake.

We’re here already? Wonderful. “Faith was telling me you have to have a test on Monday? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“It’s just a colonoscopy. My dad had cancer and the insurance company is insisting I get checked.”

“Oh I had one. It’s nothing. But the stuff tastes awful. That was the worst.”

“Everyone keeps saying that. It’s not making me feel good about this. You know how I am about tests and doctors.”

“Faith has it in hand.”

“Where’s my grandchildren?” I head for the house.

“Oma! Tootsie!” I’m being tackled by a three year old linebacker.

“Jimmie my sweetie how are you?”

“Mommy says you have to have a test and drink some nasty stuff.”

“I’ll be fine. We all have to drink some nasty stuff in this life. Let’s go kick that soccer ball around I saw you take out of Sweet Pea’s trunk.” He drags me to the kitchen to give Tootsie Too some water and I spy a box of vanilla wafers on top of the frig. Good I’m all set.

He wears me out playing soccer in record time. I sit and chat with him while he plays in his sand box. My mind roams forward to the test on Monday and getting everything right on Sunday. I keep imagining the doctor shoving something up my ass and my hands move to protect it. What if the reflection spell goes off? This will not be good. In a moment of stupidity, I set that up and it’s been causing problems ever since. It shouldn’t trigger unless he’s intending to do harm.

After supper I hold my new grand baby Carl and whisper to him.”Don’t let anyone near your back side. It could be painful. You listen to your Oma now. I’m telling you this could get really bad when they try to do the test. Whatever you do, don’t weave a reflection spell like your Oma. Well you’re a boy so you shouldn’t have these problems but you never know. Maybe I can call in sick and miss the whole thing.”

“Mother!” It’s Lynn reaching for my sweet Carl. “You have to get this done. What if you have cancer? We can’t lose you too. Bad enough Dad died four days before Jimmy was born and now he’ll never know about Carl. We need you. I’d be devastated if anything happened to you.”

“I’m fine. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Let’s get these kids to bed. Tomorrow we’ll go shopping. You will get this test done Monday and put our minds at rest until the next time.”

***

Saturday is going well. We shop for toys making Jimmie happy and trot Tootsie Too around the block. I hope Sunday goes as smoothly.

***

Carl wakes me early and I’m good with this. I get to eat vanilla wafers. I dress for the walk. Enter the kitchen and grab the box. It’s empty. Just my luck.

“Oh we ate those yesterday.”

I hang my head. I have no words. I settle for a plain bagel.

The walk goes well and we are back on the road for home by noon. I enjoyed the visit with Lynn even if they ate all the cookies. Sweet Pea pulls into the garage with a half hour grace to start the nasty stuff.

Oddly the house seems empty. A note on the kitchen island informs me the goblins are spending the night with my neighbors. Lex has joined them. So it’s just Toots and me until Faith gets here. I begin the process. The medicine tastes foul. I think it’s supposed to be grape flavored. The directions read “two sixteen ounce glasses of water to follow in a half hour. Drink the rest of the medicine at ten followed by another two sixteen ounce glasses of water in a half hour.” “Here we go Toots.” I start the process. “Well that was’t too bad. It was just gagatrocious.”

I feel a familiar sensation in my lower gut and move quickly to the bathroom. I sit on the john and have a total dump of everything I may have possibly eaten in the last several months. Molly has stocked the room with several packages of cleansing tissues aka butt wipes as well as toilet paper – the big rolls. Magazines are stacked within easy reach. So far so good. I clean up and stand. Maybe I’ll go get my iPad and watch some … I sit again. This goes on all night. My butt is getting very sore. Tootsie disappears outside somewhere around the first or second round.

I watch the TV on the wall in the room across the hall. Of course I forgot the remote. Late night early morning TV is awful.

“You still in there?” Faith arrives. “It’s about time to go.”

“I thought you were coming last night.”

“Ha, I know better. The stink is awful. Now get in the car.”

“Is it safe?”

“Should be.”

We get in Sweet Pea who is in cahoots with the doctor and daughter. He drives us directly to the hospital. I’m looking for opportunities to escape. I settle for “tooting” the whole way. Just to let them know I know they know I’m down with wrong turns. We arrive and a volunteer greets us at the door and escorts us to the testing area. No chance for a fade.

“Mrs. Walters?”

My daughter the traitor gives me up to the test area receptionist.

“We’re all ready for you. Wait here while I let them know you’ve arrived.” She disappears through a door.

If I’m making a break for it, now’s my chance. “Where the restroom?” I innocently ask the volunteer.

“It’s through that door over there and to the right. Have a good day.” She leaves.

I check what Faith is doing and see she’s busy at the fish tank. Now’s my chance. I travel across the waiting room at speed. A maniacal smile crosses my face. I want to sing that old gospel hymn “Freedom”. I’m making my escape. I have the door in sight. Two more steps and I’m out of here.

“Mother seriously! You went through all that time on the can last night and you’re going to throw that away by escaping? You’ll just have to do it again until you get this done. The insurance company will keep calling. What did they promise you that you got this started? Are you willing to give that up?” I know that voice. It’s Ann my middle daughter. Faith is holding up her phone on speaker and pointing it at me. She ratted me out. I turn around and walk back to where the nurses are waiting for me. The image of the $75 gift card is dangling before my eyes. I’m a sell-out to a retail card. I understand I get the money if I do this and yet my instinct is to run.

They escort me back to the test area with Faith chatting cheerily with the nurses. I’m hooked up to some machines.

“Now take a deep breath and let it out.” One of the staff smiles down at me. “Again.”

***

“Mariah? Wake up Mariah. We’re all done. Did you enjoy your nap?”

I’m done? No pain? I feel good. Indeed I feel happy.

“Mrs. Walters?” It’s the doctor. “We found a very tiny little polyp and took it out. We’ll test it but I doubt there’s any cancer. We’ll see you again in five years.”

“See Mom,” Faith gives me a poke. “Nothing to it. So where are you taking me to lunch? The movie you wanted to see is playing at the mall.”

I’m feeling very happy. It’s a great day. We exit to a chorus of farts from the surrounding rooms.

Next week – a mammogram. I hope they don’t drop the machine on me like the last time fourteen years ago.

My apologies for not posting sooner. My daughter Lynn gifted me with an adorable grandson. There is nothing cuter than a massive diaper with two little legs hanging out! He’s so precious and likes to sleep on people like me, his Oma. I’ve been helping her out and I forgot how much laundry and how many dirty dishes a family can generate in one day. Next time I should bring Molly with me or better yet the twins Sid and Cheri. Lester and Tootsie had a great time. They have developed a thing for Hawaiian pizzas and playing board games. We made it home safely without any strange encounters. Now I have to get back to work. You’ll be happy to know I finally took down the spiral tree xmas decorations. I just have to get them in the house. Tomorrow’s a good day for that I think. Anyway be safe and happy.

This is a drawing of the old school house I investigate in a book I’m writing about my adventures. The book is in the very early stages so don’t get excited. LOL